


Do Me Conservatively

by Gunderpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Oral Sex, Pre-Deathly Hallows, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 19:18:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2633234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gunderpants/pseuds/Gunderpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nymphadora Tonks is charged with the task of convincing Percy Weasley to go to his brother's wedding, but she is easily distracted by his prudishness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Me Conservatively

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007 for springsmut. Glad I found it. Written pre-DH, so clearly diverges from canon somewhat.

Nymphadora Tonks stepped over a neat pile of _Madame Gourmet's Hungry Wizard Dinner_ boxes as she made her way up the footpath. She'd expected from the outside of the little townhouse that it would be neater, but she put down the house's slightly unkempt appearance to the busyness of its inhabitant. She smoothed down her hair and most conservative work robes, hoping that she didn't look so feral that he'd immediately dismiss her concerns.

The brass door-knocker looked as if it had been polished obsessively and excessively, and she almost felt bad for touching it with her dirty fingers as she rapped it tentatively against the green wood of the front door. She took a deep breath as footsteps approached from within; in seconds the door opened, and she almost tripped over the step behind her in surprise.

Percy Weasley was surprisingly more bug-eyed without his glasses, and his hair stuck out at sharp angles - all of which contrasted wildly to the immaculately laundered dressing robes and brand new slippers. He squinted blindly at Tonks, and blinked furiously when the sunlight hit his eyes. "Er... can I help you?"

"You know who I am," she said.

"I'm sorry, I don't know if I do--"

"It's Tonks. I work at the Ministry with you."

He frowned. "Oh. I didn't recognise you without that stupid hair."

Tonks bit back an angry retort, and simply nodded. "I thought you might actually take me a little more seriously if I looked a little more... well, you know, _serious_. Look, I'm here because Bill's getting married next weekend, and I thought that--"

"Oh, honestly, _she_ didn't send you to harass me?" Percy stepped back, and made to close the door in Tonks' face. "Well, you can tell her that--"

"Oh, shut up." She pushed the door back roughly, and stepped inside Percy's front hall. "Stop being an arse and go to your own brother's wedding."

"You're trespassing! I demand that you leave at once before I summon for--"

"For who, the Aurors?"

Percy rolled his eyes. "When I find my glasses, I intend you to eject you off my property."

"You _intend_ to _eject_ me? Good God, you're self-indulgent."

" _Accio spectacles._ And precisely what do you intend to accomplish by annoying me on a Sunday morning?"

"Er... I thought I was fairly clear about that. A wedding. I'm sure you've got dress robes you can dust off in a hurry."

"I meant, why are you annoying me, if not to be self-righteous and self-indulgent?"

She crossed her arms as she felt the bravery rapidly escape from her. "Your mum has been very good to me over the past year."

"Of course. Helps out anybody but her own children."

"You're a prick." Her finger jabbed angrily into Percy's bony chest, and he gasped in surprise. "Your mum has been crying herself to sleep over you, and you're going to blame her for it? Swallow your pride a little, you insufferable stick-in-the-mud."

"All right, that's it." Percy pulled the open door even wider. "You can leave, if all you intend to do is wake me up early on my day off to insult me. You've probably got nothing better to do, or nobody else to be with."

The words hit her square in the gut, and she shoved her hands into her robe pockets to avoid drawing her wand on him and hexing him into oblivion. "Speak for yourself. Those instant dinner boxes don't say much for your social life either."

Percy's face flushed so deeply that his freckles instantly disappeared into the redness of his cheeks. "Yes. Well."

Tonks leaned over, and pulled the door shut. "Your mum wants to see you so badly. She doesn't care about that matter with the Ministry anymore - she just wants to see you again, she really does."

"But the others--"

"Just... I'm sure they'll get over it eventually."

"Yes, well, you don't know my family as well as I do. We can hold a grudge for years."

Tonks resisted the impulse to point out that her own grandmother and aunts had never even met her, out of disgust with her mother. "I can imagine. I'm sure that if you apologised --"

"For _what?_ I'm not going to apologise for doing the right thing."

"You need a drink," Tonks said, simply.

"It's not even eight yet."

"Yeah, that's how badly you need one. You need a strong drink and a shag, and while I'm here you'll at least get one of those." She poked her head around the corner, and - satisfied that she'd found his kitchen - briskly marched in and started opening any cupboard in sight. "You got any Firewhiskey, or anything decent?"

"Can you stop going through my things? There's nothing to drink in here."

"Nothing? Not even paraffin for a stove or anything?"

"I think you're the one desperate for a drink."

"I'm only kidding," she said, defensively.

"I can make you a cup of tea, on the condition that you promise to go once we've finished and never come back to bother me."

"You're so hospitable." She pulled herself up onto his kitchen counter, and swung her legs over the side. "I bet this is how you get all the ladies."

Percy paused as a queer expression crossed his face - but in a second, it was gone again, and he was taking cups out of his cupboard as if nothing had been said. "Do you take yours with milk or sugar?"

"Er, just sugar, thanks."

"Would they really mind if I went to the wedding? I threw out the invitation as soon as it came. I haven't RSVP'ed, or anything--"

"Your mum's added another head to the final count. She _expects_ you to be there."

"I haven't bought a present."

"Give them money, then."

"Isn't that a bit impersonal?"

"Get them a nice platter, or something then."

"I need to take my robes to get cleaned."

"Stop making excuses, and come along to the bloody wedding," she said.

"I might have to go back into the office to do paperwork. You know, with that war on, and all."

"Bring it with you. I'm sure that they won't notice any change in the quality of your company."

"You know," said Percy, as he set the cups down on the counter, "my mother must have really helped you with something big for you to be this annoying."

She picked up her cup, and blew across the surface of the tea, watching the steam fall over the edge. "That would be the current source of my availability Sunday mornings."

"I suppose she was so helpful that she meddled away any shot of your relationship working?"

"I'm more grateful for the sympathy and support. I don't think that anything could have helped me out much." She took a slow, shallow sip of the tea. "Sorry I made that rude comment about your cooking skills. I'm in no position to talk."

"Yes, well. You could have timed your visit to be far less awkward for both of us. I didn't even get a chance to have a bath and shave."

She snorted a little into her tea. "You take _baths_?"

"I find it very relaxing." He dropped a lump of sugar into his tea, and stirred it with a dainty silver teaspoon. "That, and I can be far more thorough."

"You realise that you lie in about six layers of your own dead skin and germs when you take baths."

"That's the sort of thing my mother would have said to get us to stop hogging the bathroom."

The room fell quiet. She saw Percy's long fingers fiddle with the edge of his robes, and she saw him swallow a mouthful of scalding tea just to avoid speaking. "You need to see her again," she whispered.

"Ouch, hot, hot--"

She took the cup out of his hands, and summoned a glass of cold water. "You swallowed too much, too quickly."

"You're so irritatingly persistent," he muttered thickly. "I'm surprised Bill's not marrying you, you're practically the 'Weasley-type'."

"I don't think so. He's a bit... _scruffy_."

"I heard from Scrimgeour that you got sent home seventeen times from Auror training for jewellery and uniform violations."

"They never mentioned anything about nose rings in the uniform code, and they don't specify a hair colour. They're just discriminating against me."

"Yes, if you want to call it that," Percy mumbled under his breath.

"Probably doesn't take me as long to get ready for work either. Your hair must take ages."

"It does." Tonks saw Percy shoot a glance at a clock above his stove, and he sighed deeply. "You know, I really must be getting things done today. I have to go back into the Ministry later--"

"I get the hint. So, do you promise to come to Bill's next weekend?"

"If my social calendar is otherwise free." He stood, and motioned towards the kitchen door. "Which it isn't today, evidently."

"Thanks." She felt a little embarrassed as she walked past Percy, half-worried that her company of late was so bad that even the most dour person on the face of the planet might find her boring and unpleasant. "Thanks for the tea."

Percy opened his front door, and stood before it. "Go home, and go back to bed or something."

"Do I look like I need sleep?"

"Er... I didn't mean to sound rude--"

"You weren't, it's fine. Just... " Tonks stuck her hands in her pockets once more, and took a second to mull over her choice of words - a practice she felt she should exercise more often, yet never seemed to have the motivation to try. "Just... turn up. If you don't want to apologise, don't. They'll probably worry that you've been replaced by an Inferius if you're too contrite."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Also," she said, feeling the words rush out without barrier or consideration, "you're an idiot, and you really did stand beside the wrong people, but I sort of admire people who'll go against their family on principle if they think they're doing the right thing."

"Yes. Thank you. Have a lovely day, now."

The words formed in the back of her mouth before her brain even had a chance to tell her it was a horrible idea, and that she would regret it instantly, and she avoided looking Percy directly in the eye. "I don't want to go back."

Percy's eyebrows shot up into a mess of ginger fringe. "Er... but... what?"

"If I go home then I need to listen to my parents complaining about me moping around the house, and if I go back to your family's then I have to be surrounded by wedding talk, and wedding plans, and wedding dresses, and so help me, Percy, if I don't lure the Death Eaters to your brother's wedding myself on the pretence that there will be really great food there." She bit her lower lip, and finally met his gaze. "And the one person I'd really, _really_ like to avoid is there at the moment, and it's weird enough having to stay in the same house as him without being surrounded by wedding paraphernalia to remind us about how much we sucked as a couple."

Percy rubbed his temples, and leant back against the door frame. "I'd say that _you're_ the one who needs a drink."

"And none of the pubs are open yet, either," she sadly admitted. "I can't believe I just complained about that either."

"This _is_ an emergency, then. Come with me."

***

Nymphadora Tonks didn't really _want_ to know why it was that Percy Weasley kept all his hard liquor under his bed, but she could probably take an educated guess, based on her own lengthy experience with men who keep a high degree of control in their public lives to the point of being slightly neurotic about anybody knowing anything about them. It was slightly jarring to see Percy reach under a pristinely-pressed white valance to pull out a grubby bottle of Ogden's, but she gathered that it was a ritual he'd indulged in many times before - though normally on his own, she surmised. She wondered what else he kept under his bed, and her mind journeyed further than the predictable guesses of 'dirty magazines' and 'grubby socks' to territories it would have been safer avoiding: house-elves kept for lewd acts? Slightly-modified Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' products? She shuddered, and gingerly sat on the end of his bed. "You come to this pub often?"

"My mother used to slip a bit of Firewhiskey into our milk when we were children to get us to go to bed whenever we were annoying her," he said, uncapping the bottle and taking a quick sniff. "Sometimes I come home so strung out from work that I need a night-cap."

"You could also keep it in the kitchen or sitting room," she said, taking in the sight of the bedroom of the world's neatest man. "Your hospital corners aren't tucked in properly."

"You know," said Percy, as he made to screw the lid right back on the bottle, "you've just done your dash. I don't think I want to share any of my drink with you now."

"You're so unbelievably like my last boyfriend," she said, pulling the drink out of his grasp and opening it herself.

"I doubt it sincerely, given that I have no criminal record or piercings."

"You immediately assume that I would only go for men who dress like I do. And besides, I wore my cleanest robes and everything for you today, so I don't know why you'd be so prejudiced against me. I even picked them up off the floor and smelled them to make sure they were clean." She took a swig, and her eyes watered as it burnt its way down her throat. "Oh, that's better. Now I actually think I can get through the rest of today."

"You're right, I apologise. I was judging on appearances. I'm sure your boyfriend was a very respectable man, gainfully employed and possessing impeccable personal hygiene."

"Don't know much about the 'gainful employment' part, but I'll have you know he was a Hogwarts prefect as well. Gryffindor, no less."

Percy blushed delicately. "Er, I see."

"Way before your time, though. The similarities between you and him are astonishing, quite frankly. Of course, you manage to be far better dressed than him. He's been through a rough patch of late."

"I'm sure he has been."

"I used to have the biggest thing for Gryffindor prefects. You know that I got suspended for sleeping with one in sixth year? I thought my mum and dad would spiflicate me."

Percy's blush extended even further across his cheeks into the tips of his ears. "Uh... right." He relieved Tonks of the bottle and took a hasty swig, trying to avoid meeting her gaze.

"'Course, it didn't help matters that her parents were equally angry about it."

Any hope Percy'd had of maintaining his dignity - or his mouthful of alcohol - was shattered at that moment when the aforementioned Firewhiskey made haste through his nostrils and out onto his bedspread. Tonks laughed, snorting a little as Percy tried to regain his composure. "That's very... er... I'm glad you shared that with me," he stammered, wiping feebly at the stain on his bedspread.

"Sorry," she said, though not feeling sorry in the slightest. "But it's true, though. There is a great deal of allure in the anally retentive. You'd be surprised at how sexy that can be--"

"Miss Tonks," said Percy, evidently deciding it was best to remove the Firewhiskey from the equation by placing it under his bed, "you are the walking embodiment of 'too much information'."

"--Course, he never seemed to think so himself," she finished, a little sadly. "Don't reckon he ever really liked me much. Not as much as I liked him."

"Yes, well, I've never set much stock in the 'opposites attract' theory either," he said, quite simply. "My last relationship worked so well because she understood how important it was for things to be organised and planned." He smiled. "She had this way of rolling socks--"

"Yeah, well, if it was so good then you wouldn't have broken up with her. Everybody throws a red sock into a white wash sometimes."

"Now you're being presumptuous. And tipsy," he retorted, tightening his grip on the bottle as if he were trying to protect it from her even further. "I can guess that things haven't been going too well for you lately."

"You're so perceptive. I don't know how you would have figured that out, apart from the failed relationship, and the drinking before noon thing, and all."

"At least your own family likes you. And mine, from the look of things. I'm surprised that my mother didn't try and set you up with one of my brothers. It wouldn't surprise me if she spikes your champagne next weekend and sits you beside Charlie at the reception."

"It wouldn't surprise me either. But at this point, I'll take anything that comes my way." She traced a path with her finger in his bedspread, the fabric silky beneath her fingertips. "You weren't going to go into the Ministry today, were you. You haven't even shaved or combed your hair yet."

"Leave me alone," said Percy, nervously running his fingers through his hair. "Dress code is far more casual on weekends."

"I saw you going into work once on a Saturday. You press the hankies you put in your robes front pocket. That's really sad. I don't even _own_ any hankies."

"And that's why you will never be the youngest Junior Undersecretary in history."

"Wouldn't want to be. I hear they only hire wankers."

Tonks was a little surprised to see Percy smiling at this. She wondered if the repeated alcoholism had killed his brain cells, or if he was that desperately lonely himself that he too would smile at anything she said, but truth be told she had been expecting some sort of self-important defensive blustering. "How's my father?"

"Well, but probably going to kill you if you don't come to the wedding."

"Right." Percy leaned back against his pillow, and stared at the ceiling. "I don't suppose that I'd be able to get Auror protection in the event that he does try and kill me at the wedding?"

"It would depend. My rates are extremely expensive and I already have so many men beating down my door to be my date to the wedding." She sighed. "Actually, I lie. Fred and George asked me, but I think they were winding me up. There's something wrong with you if horny teenage boys don't jump at the chance of maybe sneaking in a grope during a dance."

"I never said that I was asking you as a date--"

"That's a shame. Because I really wouldn't have minded going with you. I bet you'd scrub up nicely."

"Why don't you go with your ex-boyfriend?"

"He's... he's changed a lot, in the past year. Look, I really don't--"

"Good change, or bad change?"

"Yes, because I really would have broken up with him if it was a change for the better."

"I'm sorry."

"So you should be," said Tonks. "But you're not the most socially intelligent person in the world, so I'll let this slip."

"I'll have you know that I got straight 'O's in my NEWTs," said Percy, defensively.

"You've got book smarts, but you are absolutely hopeless with people. I bet you give your girlfriends performance reviews after you have sex with them, and let them know which competencies they need to improve. If you didn't have nice hair, I'd honestly just turn you down to go to the wedding with me."

"Fine, then. As a date. But only if you shave your legs and promise to wash your hair."

"Worried that I'm not going to abide by health and safety guidelines?"

"I was more worried about you not looking nice in a dress," he said.

"I love it when you talk socially conservative to me."

"I just think--"

"Don't worry. I'll wear a long dress. But I get to have pink hair."

"At least I know it won't shock my mother. So I suppose it's settled, then." He ran his fingers through his hair once more, and stared up at the ceiling. "Oh, God. They're going to crucify me."

"You'll be fine."

"I really am busy today, though, and you've done what you came here to do--"

"You can't get rid of me that easily. And 'busy' does not mean 'lying in bed and drinking on your day off'."

"You don't know what I do." He crossed his arms and pouted. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"You're a high achiever who gets a good job at a young age and neglects your social development as a result. I think I know what you're talking about. God knows you don't have a family life, or a sex life--"

"You don't have to use gutter language," Percy muttered, shifting as if he were extremely uncomfortable in his current position.

It'd been so long since something had hit her private thing for prudish men; she'd long since corrupted Remus, and it was the redness at the tip of Percy's ears and the way he was avoiding eye contact with her that sent her blood pressure up just a notch. It'd been too long since the last time anyone had wanted to touch her, and if anything, it would make him more inclined to do as she asked. So she gave a most predatory smile, and toyed with the cuffs of his pyjama pants, and he sat up even straighter at her touch. "Of course, some of us are more mature than others and we're able to acknowledge basic facts like human reproduction and our reproductive organs."

It tickled her a little to see Percy blushing so furiously, and he grabbed a pillow and covered himself with it. "All right, I think that's enough. You'd best leave if you're going to be crude. I can't be lying in bed all day--"

"I don't think I was being crude. It's not like I used the c-word, or anything like that. Personally, I don't quite mind 'cunt' all that much."

Percy's jaw dropped. "I... ladies shouldn't use that word."

"Well, it's lucky I'm not a lady, because I might be very shocked to hear that there's a word out there that's synonymous with part of my anatomy." She smiled as the colour drained from his face, and the more sensible half of her brain sent off alarm bells to tell her that she was venturing far, far further than what was polite behaviour.

She ignored those alarm bells, as she normally did, and slowly, she turned and crawled up Percy's bed until she was atop him. Her breath seemed to come in deep drags, and she could feel her pulse in her fingertips. "You act as if you've never seen one before."

"I think... we are _colleagues_ , Miss Tonks, and I would appreciate some professionalism--"

"Shut up," she mumbled before her lips met his, her hands blindly groping at his chest as she fumbled with the sash keeping his dressing robes shut.

"This is most inappropriate," he interjected. She pressed a hand over his mouth, and kissed up his neck. "I'm fairly certain this falls under the classification of 'sexual harassment'--"

"You need to get laid." In seconds, his robe was undone fully, and she leaned back and straddled his hips. His freckles seemed to blend in with one another, and the spaces between the freckles almost looked orange from the natural redness of his skin. "You also need a decent meal and a sleep-in one morning."

"You could lose your job. I could lose mine."

She sat up, and frowned. "No, I couldn't. You're just making that up."

Percy groaned. "All right. But this isn't appropriate--"

"You know, maybe that's why I want you now. Also, I have a thing for redheads. But mainly it's your pretence at having some sort of dignity. That's a little bit hot." There was something about the mildly alarmed look in his eyes that appealed so greatly to her, and she stroked his hair as she pressed a calming kiss on his forehead. "Usually I'm even more forward than this. I'm surprised at my restraint. But if you want me to stop, you can just tell me."

For a minute, she thought that he might nod, or try to push her off him, but his long fingers moved to touch her face. "No, no, that's all right, wouldn't want to offend you or-- _oh, that's so very inappropriate..._ "

Her fingers slipped beneath the waistband of his pyjamas and she wrapped her hand around the length of his cock, slowly tightening her grip. "I love the uncorrupted ones," she murmured, as she tugged at his pants with her free hand. He lifted his slender hips, and the material scraped over his pale skin as she lowered her lips to meet him.

"Shouldn't I take off my robes first?"

"You're talking. Stop talking."

"Look, shouldn't I--" Percy sat upright, and she felt him gently raising her chin so she was facing him. "We should slow down a little bit first, I barely know you."

"What would you like?"

She saw his eyes lock over her chest, and she loosened the fastenings on her robes with deft fingers. He moaned ever so softly, and she felt his fingers stroke down from her neck and over her chest.

"Perhaps... perhaps it would be proper if I took charge. I mean..." Percy took hold of her wrists, and Tonks felt his tongue slip into her mouth as he kissed her - though possibly more sloppily than she preferred.

She broke away from him, and shook her head. "Um, I don't think so." She twisted her hands out of his grip, and pulled back from him. Her robes slid down her arms, and she licked her lips. "You look as though I'm about to bite your head off."

"Are you?"

"You don't have to be the one in charge of everything," she whispered. "And I think your hair looks nicer when it isn't absolutely perfect."

"I just... I want it to be good. For you, that is."

"Don't you worry about me," she said, dipping down and sucking his earlobe gently. "I can entertain myself. You just have to promise to give me a good performance review." She stood above him for as long as it took to kick off her knickers, and she lowered herself back down over him, and let her hand resume its former actions.

"Please don't tell Scrimgeour," Percy whimpered as her pace quickened. "I might not get the sack, but he probably won't apprecia--"

"Shh." She kissed him again, and let her fingers toy with the delicate skin between his legs. "How long has it been?"

"Over a year," he whispered, and he clutched the sheets violently as he felt her move and her mouth settle over his length. "Don't tease me like that."

She pulled her lips away from him. "You want me to stop?"

" _No!_ " His hands tangled themselves in her hair, and she could feel the rough skin on his fingertips stroking her nape gently. "Please, don't stop--"

She licked her lips once more - fully aware of the impact it had on him - and shook her head. She raised a finger to her mouth, and sucked on it slowly, watching his chest rise and fall and his cock harden even more against her leg as she straddled him, before bringing it her finger between her legs and rubbing it gently against her clit. "Not without mine I don't."

"Come on, please--" His hands clumsily groped her, and she felt his callused palms press against her slick folds. A tiny breath escaped her lips, and she ground her hips down on his hand before shifting beside him in the bed so she was lying beside him, and she brought her lips down on him again. She moaned loudly as his hand blindly rubbed at her, and she felt his free hand gently cradling her head again.

"We have to be quiet, the walls are a bit thin here," he mumbled. "I don't want my neighbours to think--"

Tonks responded to this with an even louder moan, and she kicked out involuntarily as she took him even deeper into her mouth, hitting the head of the bed and barely missing Percy's ear in the process.

"Be quiet!" He pulled her head up by the hair, and she winced in pain. "Please, don't make so much noise."

She kissed him, turning around to face him once again as her hands gently skimmed over his chest. "I'm sorry. I get a little bit carried away."

"Please, I'm not comfortable about the neighbours--"

"It's fine," she murmured, her hand travelling even further in a southerly direction and eliciting whimpering little sighs from Percy. "They'll probably have a higher opinion of you now."

"They'll sell it to the Prophet, I can see it now." In her peripheral vision, she could see his eyes roll back into his head as her mouth closed around the tip of his cock once more. "Oh, hell--"

"Touch me again," she said breathlessly, withdrawing from him for the tiniest of moments before her lips and tongue got back to work. She shivered as his hand gently scratched a path up her thigh before his fingers dipped between her folds and resumed the gentle stroking. "Harder. Need harder," she said, her voice hoarse and fevered, and he complied instantly, but in seconds the hand on the back of her head clenched tightly, and he jerked upwards.

"Oh, oh... _shit_."

She pulled away quickly, but not quickly enough to avoid a thin stream of semen hitting her high on the cheek and in the corner of her eye. She gasped a little - more out of surprise than disgust - as she raised her hand to wipe it away, all the while feeling her corneas start to tingle a little.

"Oh, God..." Percy sat up, his face frozen in a look of extreme concern and embarrassment. "Are you--"

"You came in my fucking _eye_ ," she groaned, wiping furiously. "Ow."

"Er... oh dear. You should probably wash that out with water."

"You _think?!_ " She rubbed at her eye, and swore quietly. She knew that it would likely be bloodshot for the rest of the day, and she groped blindly on the bed for her knickers. "Can I use your bathroom, please?"

"Yes, of course... it's just down the hall. Listen, I'm really--"

"Yeah, I know," she said, pulling her undies on and reaching for her wand and robes. She was almost out the door when she heard Percy clearing his throat quietly - as if he wanted her attention without being direct about it - and she turned back to face him.

"That... er, that probably deserves a fairly negative performance review, doesn't it," he mused.

"Er... let's just say that you 'did not meet certain criteria when assessing that competency'," she said, as she shut the door to his bedroom and wandered off down the hall, feeling at once embarrassed, annoyed, and more than a little unsatisfied.

***

On the whole, Nymphadora Tonks thought that the Weasley-Delacour wedding was only slightly more eventful than waiting in line to renew one's flying license, and only half as exciting.

She stood by her earlier wish that a Death Eater attack might have made the events more palatable; indeed, so far her tally of 'people asking when she would settle down with a nice man' was at seven; not including the three different instances that old Auntie Muriel found it appropriate to comment on Tonks' unmarried state. Eventually, it got bad enough that she even attempted to hide under one of the food tables with a nice bottle of white, but couldn't when she found Hermione, Ginny, and even Gabrielle Delacour hogging all the free positions, having had exactly the same thoughts as Tonks.

("It's so annoying," Ginny had muttered as she sipped a crystal goblet of punch. "I'm seventeen, I'm not becoming a bloody brood-mare just yet!")

The largest disappointment of the day was that Percy had seemed to have rescinded on his earlier promise of coming along to the wedding. The worst part about this was that she knew, without a doubt, that she was the reason for it. (Actually, the worst part was by far the fact that she'd seen Molly looking in vain through the crowd all day, and growing progressively sadder and tipsier as the hours without Percy ticked by.)

"You are looking more and more sour by the minute," said a hoarse voice behind her, and she almost jumped out of her skin as Remus Lupin sat down in a chair beside her. He'd borrowed Arthur's robes for the day, and the adjectives that sprang to mind from his appearance were definitely "rumpled" and "wilted".

"Speak for yourself. He's such a prick."

"See, that's the problem with people who are so painfully optimistic and good-natured," said Remus, reaching over and taking the wine glass out of her hand before sniffing it, and taking a quick sip. "They really didn't go all out on the wine, did they."

"You've completely given up." She snatched the glass back off him, her face set in a deep frown. "You haven't been the same since... "

Remus' face set itself in the typically blank expression she knew he adopted when extremely stressed or upset. "Once you have enough disappointments, you know better than to be silly enough to expect good things to happen. Honestly, I thought I heard the hooves of the Four Horsemen when you told me you liked me." He sighed, and reached for her hand. "I loved you. I really did. And I still do."

"Then why--"

"Because you would have murdered me if you had to put up with my bitterness and distance. But most of all, you need someone who's got a little more backbone and moral fibre than I do." Remus leaned back in his chair, and mustered a wan smile, and she found that she felt only the tiniest bit of warmth, but borne largely out of appreciation rather than passion or love. "That's why _you_ broke up with me after the funeral."

"Sorry about that," she said, quietly.

"I can't say I didn't deserve it." He smiled, and patted her hand. "So, what did you try to do to get Percy to attend today?"

"I gave him head," she said, flippantly. "And he was shit."

"Shame that," said Remus. "Because he's the sort of upright, naive, thoroughly principled person who'd be your type. I hear he was Head Boy. You'd be upgrading from me, then."

"I don't have a type," she scoffed.

"You asked me to wear my prefect badge to bed one night."

"Don't judge me."

"If it went badly, he was probably too ashamed to show his face until now," said Remus, sitting up straight in his chair and peering out into the distance. "Because he's here, now."

Indeed, he was; Tonks thought that he'd gone out of his way to look more ridiculously foppish than usual, judging by how little his hair seemed to move. His polished frames glinted in the sunlight, and when Tonks saw him notice her, his face grew pink. "Prick," she muttered, grabbing her wand and almost jumping out of her chair as she hastened to reach him. She saw him take a step backward, and for a second it almost looked like he was shielding his genitals with his hands and an entree plate.

"Nice of you to show up, finally."

"Miss Tonks. It is pleasant to see you at this social event."

She grabbed him by the collar of his perfectly pressed robes, and dragged him back towards the Burrow. "I can't believe you would put avoiding embarrassment above possibly reconciling with your family!"

"Being noble is easier said than done," he hissed. "You're causing a scene."

"Get inside," she said, muttering _Alohomora_ and pushing him through the kitchen. "You _promised_ you'd come."

"And I did. Better late than never."

"Better late than sooner," she quipped, bitterly. She saw him almost wince in pain at the comment, and he took his glasses off to polish them on his robes.

"I am extremely sorry about that. It was... it was beyond my control, really. I can't believe you'd be angry about that."

She thought he looked genuinely contrite enough, and she nodded. "If it hadn't got in my eye, it would have been quite endearing. I'm more angry that you'd avoid your own brother's wedding because of me."

"Wouldn't you, if it'd been you?"

"I don't know. I'm pretty shameless," she admitted. "I don't hate you. I think you're completely stuck up and conservative to the point of paranoid, but some people like that. So long as you're here."

"You haven't told anyone about... you know, last week, have you?"

Tonks thought back to five minutes earlier, when she'd loudly bemoaned Percy's stamina (or lack thereof) to Remus. "No, 'course not," she lied.

"Good. Er... I suppose that's all settled, then." Percy nodded, and he smiled a relieved, and slightly stupid, smile. "I'd best head out and face the music, then." He held his hand out to her. "We'll put all this behind us, shall we?"

"Oh, Percy," she said, resignedly, and grabbing his hand, pulled him in close to her, before standing on her tip-toes and planting an open-mouthed kiss on his lips. "You're not getting out of your next performance review that easily."

***


End file.
